Day 89

Thoughts: Eating disorder in the dictionary is : characterized by severe disturbances in eating habits. I have certainly had a few of those in my life time. Is the Earth Diet one of them? I have had some people think so and others not.

When I was younger I always thought of an eating disorder as someone with anorexia who didn't eat or someone who had bulimia and would throw up everything they ate. Luckily growing up I didn't have either of these. I started surfing and running when I was 14 and then went to the gym at 16, was dancing 3 nights a week, doing karate, and loved the healthy lifestyle. I looked great and felt great. And then something shifted in me, I was 17 and in my year 12 exams and was stressed and my school work started to slip, I stopped dancing as much, my integrity fell out in a lot of areas of my life and I felt unsatisfied and unfulfilled and that's when I guess I had my first "I don't like myself or my body I'm fat" thought. I can never pin point the exact thing or moment that did it, I suppose I was so unconscious that I didn't even see it happening, and I read a magazine article once about Lindsay Lohan and how she would take laxatives after eating as much as she wanted. I thought oh wow that's a good idea. Obviously having no idea about the body and the damage it actually does to the bowels and the whole body! So then I started to eat more chocolate and lollies then I usually would, and I would feel guilty after and then would say to myself ok I won't eat that again starting from tomorrow, and then tomorrow came and I was thinking so hard "I won't be unhealthy today, I won't eat this and that" which then of course I was focusing so hard on the "Won't" that I did it, I caved in and ate and ate and ate. And I really felt like I couldn't stop eating, and that I couldn't control myself. That was the worst ever feeling, promising something to myself and not even being able to keep that promise to myself! So then one day after I had a binge eat (and I would never throw it up because I was scared of thinking of myself as bulimic because haha what I was about to enter was another type of eating disorder : laxatives) so I remembered the magazine article about Lindsay Lohan and I went to Woolworths and bought laxatives. I was so embarrassed and felt so dodgy like the person serving me would know exactly what I was using them for! And so I took a bunch of laxatives and some hours later would end up on the toilet in pain and being uncomfortable, having no idea how I was actually ruining my bowels. My poor bowels that I love sooo much now hehe must have been in shock, like whoa what are all these pills pushing out the food so fast! And the thing is when you take laxatives, the food is being moved so quickly through the digestive system that you don't actually absorb any nutrients, because it's the bowels that absorb all the nutrients and minerals. Our bowels really are the central system of our health.

It's not easy to write this, there is a part of me that is so nervous and anxious about having other people read this and know this about me because I want to look good, and I want to fit in and I want people to like me. And the other part of me is fearless, not afraid of letting go, and wanting you to get your life doesn't have to be like this. I did all of this because I wanted to look good. Aren't we all just trying to look good for each other?!? Hehe it's a bit crazy! Imagine if we all stopped looking good, we could be free to be however we want. Well that's what I want for this planet, a planet full of human beings who are free to express themselves and free or pain and suffering especially of an eating disorder.

So I took laxatives for around 6 months, and at that point I knew it wasn't right, I was eating more and more and taking more and more laxatives and felt so crap! I had dark circles under my eyes, my energy was low, of course non of my friends knew, so I was a sneaky little poop hehe! So I decided no more laxatives, I knew I could do better than this, I really was suffering, I was totally totally self absorbed, everything was about me, I lived in my small little world. And so I gave it up. And then I went to the next thing...haaaa! I would eat so extremely healthy, like detox mode healthy for 3 or 4 days and say to myself ok this is it, I am going to eat like this for ever and never eat chocolate again...ha! So then on day 4 or 5 I would totally cave in, I was not eating enough for the amount of exercise I was doing so I would binge and eat as much junk food as I could before I felt so sick, or until I could just go to bed and sleep it off. Then come Monday I would start again on the excessive juicing and eating boiled eggs and brown rice and green tea. Not a fun way to live life I can tell you that. And if you can avoid it in your lifetime I recommend not trying it out! And the difference between me now and then, is that now I love and nurture myself. I completely completely totally fully love myself. And why not?! It wasn't working for me by hating myself. I knew that all that pain and suffering and laxatives and binge eating wasn't me, wasn't the real me, and it's not what I wanted in life, I also thought It would never be different and that I would suffer from it forever. And I am totally relieved and in joy that it is gone. And yeah I still look in the mirror now and that little voice comes up and says things like "Your fat, your ugly, your too fat for film, eeww look at what you have done, look at what you have created, if you were skinnier everything would be easier, why can't you just get skinner, why is everyone else skinny and your not? why is life so hard for you? Why can't you just stop eating so much?". BUT I know that little voice is not me, and I separate myself from it, I hang up on it just like as if I was on the phone. I say "thanks for sharing" and hang up. Because it doesn't work, and it never has. It just creates suffering, so why listen right?! Makes sense right?! And yes sometimes I do forget I am separate from that voice and I become it and I feel that negative, emotional charge into feeling fat and ugly and crap and less than everyone else, and that voice even sometimes takes me to the fridge to eat some extra nectarines or something that my body doesn't need or want just to validate that I cannot control myself. And luckily the me, the peace and love and joy and nothingness me remembers and separates from the voice, and there I am to enjoy an abundance of life, an abundance of inner joy and love and freedom and health. And for some of you it may be a constant battle between you and the voice, it was for me just before I started this Earth Diet. Which is why I created it, because I knew on this Earth Diet I would kill off that voice, the little voice would lose power and not be able to binge on processed foods with artificial sugars and that eating only foods born from the earth is complete love and nurture to my body. And so I created the Earth Diet challenge for 365 days to make that little voice even weaker! And literally when I created this and posted my first blog I felt so empowered, and so in control of my self and my health. And since then life has been delicious in every way. My friend JD says "The healthy way of life is the way."

How is being healthy and alive a severe disturbance?

Challenges: Writing this blog in particular and opening up about my 'eating disorders'.

Triumphs: Totally giving up looking good in writing this blog! hehe! And it feels good to be vulnerable and allow other people into my life. I have nothing to hide, and that to me is freedom.

What I Ate Today:

Breakfast: 5 nectarines. A beetroot, carrot, celery, ginger juice.

Lunch: Organic free range chicken with honey and rosemary! served on green lettuce, avocado and alfalfa sprouts mmm the ultimate lunch or what?!

Dinner: Salad...green lettuce, spinach, avocado and lemon juice.

Dessert: Chocolate balls.

Snacks: Damiana tea...Aphrodisiac hehe! From happy high herbs.

Recipe: The recipe for chicken with honey and rosemary is in Blog Day 87.

Organic raw chocolate balls!
Ingredients:
1. Cocoa podwer
2. Agave syrup or honey
3. Nut meal, hazel nut or almond meal
4. Whole nuts
5. Water

Directions: (These are my rough measurements, use your natural intuition with food and taste)
1. Add cocoa powder into a bowl.
2. Add the same amount of nutmeal. Mix together.
3. Add agave syrup for the sweetness(a couple tablespoons)
4. Add a couple tablespoons of water and mix together until you have a thick smooth paste texture.
5. Add whole nuts.
6. Roll into balls and eat right away or put in freezer and eat them cold later!

Exercise: A run on the beach!

276 Days To Go!!!