Saturday, February 13, 2010
Thoughts: I have been avoiding doing this all day...
I'm not ok with how I am being today. I am being selfish and self absorbed, I am in my own tiny little world...not present to have much I have to be thankful for, and then making myself wrong for not being grateful when I know I really should, I am being such a jerk.
I have this voice saying "I am fat and ugly and my legs are so gross and so wobbly and I hate them and they will never bee good enough, and I will never be skinny enough or pretty enough, or I will never have the body I want because I really can't have the body I want, that would be crazy, and no matter how hard I work out and how healthy I eat, because lets face It I eat immaculate, how can I even look like this when I eat so immaculate? Its so frustrating and annoying and I am so jealous of fit and skinny people because I just dont understand how they do it and why I cant have it, like I know my body is ok but its just not good eough or toned enough or hott enough. I had a great hott body once but now I can never have it again because Im just too old, im 22 and its too late i reuined my body now and i even eat raw foods and noting happens i dont tone up i still hold onto the fat around my butt and my legs and my stomach and its just such waste of time like i have been working out flat out for like 6 weeks and i reckon i look worse than before, i must have been doing something wrong, this is so crap. I'ts so unfair. like i believe i create everything in my life but i jus cant see how i create this because i reall really dont like the body im in i hate it. Im uncomfortable. I feel like everything I eat makes me fat and bloated and bla bla bla"...
Had enough yet? This has ben running my life today...and it's tiring and annoying. You get the picture and I could keep going and going. That voice is so strong and dominating right now, its like its an identitiy that I created when I was younger to survive somwhere along the line, and now that identity is being threatened because i am going ot be in a movie next week. its self sabatagoe. those thoughts are so useess and negative, and i know whne they are going on in my head i do not get to be the person i have created myself to be, and that is a human being who is a stand for peace, and health and love on the earth.
I sometimes think I need to get rid of this voice, "it's wrong and disgusitng and god I cant tell anyone because they will think I am so weird because no one else on earth thinks these things. Only I do." And that's the little voice talking AGAIN. Isn't it crazy to think that I think that no one else on the planet thinks these kinds of things also. sheeshh I couldnt be that special to be the ONLY ONE on the planet to have these thoughts! Hehe
And so now im getting that resisting the voice and trying to get it to shut up and go away isnt the way to do it. The voice is not bad. I created it after all, nothing can just happen outside of me. It's just like a little kid, a little girl inside of my head throwing a trantrum because she cant handle abundance and getting her own greatness. Ýes you are great little voice, I am talking to you.
And so I accepted that this voice is here, it aint gonna go away, and if it really is here to stay forever then ok, I created a new possibiity, a new way for me to be, a new way of being for me, a new thing to take on, and the possibility I created was being sexy, powerful and unstoppable in the face of this voice and being Kate Hudson!!! And I dont want to be her, I want to be the "being" she brings to her life, that is inspirational! She is sexy, and confident and owns it. I want to experience choosing my body fully, creating it, accepting it, loving it, because afterall I created it to be how it is right NOW and I want to walk dow the street fully in my body, loving my butt, and experiecning my arms, and owning every cell of my body...instead of rejecting my own creation. Crazy that I rejected my own body, my own creation for so long.
Challenges: I don't accept the "feeling crap" time. I resist it, make it wrong, I don't "feel" it, I reject it and say "oh no I can't feel that, that is a bad feeling, I should be happy and grateful and appreciative".
Triumphs: Accepting this "feeling crap" time and the voice in my head, because really it's not crap or bad, they are the words I have used to label it, it''s just another vibrational frequency.
What I Ate Today:
Breakfast: A spinach and carrot juice. A green apple.
Lunch: 5 nectarines. Organic green grapes mmm mmm.
Dinnner: Cooked vegetables with basil and galic and parsley...mmm mmm! Brocoli, potato, pumpkin, beans, mushroom.
Dessert: A beautiful sweet sweet mango!
Snacks: 4 nuts! I cracked them myself! 2 brazil nuts, a hazel nut and a walnut. In the time it took me to crack 4 nuts, I would have eaten a few handfuls. It's great to get even further back to nature and eat simple and less. And there is something special about cracking your own nuts...it takes work...and it's like when I was a kid and ate Kinder Surprises and found a treat inside, there is something sacred about finding a beautiful crispy nut under some work to crack it open! I got quite excited when I saw the nut!
Exercise: A long run on the beach in Surfers Paradise with the Ludo master ;) And a swim in the ocean...the ultimate reward after a run on the sand ;)
255 days to go!!!