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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Day 112


Thoughts: I broke the Earth Diet. It happened on the plane from Australia to LA...and right after I wrote this below...uneditted...fresh and raw...demonstrating a human being dealing with being a human being! And if your not going to read the entire blog...then don't read any of it. To get this blog, it needs to be read the whole way through, you will see what I mean ;) Hehe enjoy ;)

"Whenever I feel like crap, or trapped, or small, contricted or stuck I know I have stuff to cough up. There is a big fat bunch of a dark cloud of negativity whirling around my space. I like to write to get it out. And it scares the H outta me to share this online with everyone. I can't believe what I just did. I BROKE THE EARTH DIET! Yes I did. And it happened so quick. And then it was done, and I was thinking whoaaaaa! I have been on the Earth Diet for 111 days now, eating only foods naturally provided to us from the earth, no processed foods, no foods with additives, chemicals, artifical sugars, no sugar, no takeaway for 111 days and just then I broke it. I said I would do it for 365 days. Now I'm feeling really crappy and making myself wrong and what a waste and bla bla and now my face and body is going to be puffy and bla bla (yes this little voice loves to express itself! Hehe) I ate a vegetarian lasagne thing on my V Australia flight from Brisbane to LA right now. What I got was that it wasn't me Liana fully self expressed eating it, it was like a machine took over, an indentity and it justified "Yep, see you ca't do it stupid. See your not in control, I will just never be able to do anything, you are a failure, you are always fat and ugly and puffy and always will be, and you should just accept that, accept that you can't have everything in your life". Yep totally disempowering wise words from the little voice, hehe! Yes it's a good thing that I know that little voice is not me, it's not who I am and I can separate myself from it! To make that voice wrong and resist it would be crazy, because it is a part of me, afterall I did create it, no one put it there and said here have this crazy little fat voice hahaaa! I take full responsibility for it. For so long I wondered why I had such a destructive voice in my head that kept me fom having the health and fitness and body I wanted, I would be like "why me?" (victim) and I was annoyed at why I had it...until I got that it wasn't me me. It's machinary, an indentity, something I created when I was younger, it is the same machinary that had me binge for 5 years. So now that I got all that out I am creating an empowering context, this will build me up again, as I feel like a part of me was stripped away because I gave my word, myself, that I would do the Earth Diet for 365 days! By restoring my integrity my machinary will lose power.

Yes I am disapointed in myself for allowing my machinary come in and take over in a split second and absolutely gorge down a piece of lasagne that tasted like mush chemicals anyways - and I am ashamed to admit it to you guys - I could have easily not have told you, and continued on the Earth Diet pretending it never happened. And that would not be real, and I would be lying to myself, and I want nothing to hide. And I needed to have this happen because I see how the machinary is there, and how strong it is, and how If I am not aware and present it comes in and takes over. And I could have controlled it at any time, I have the power over my machinary, and I gave in, and I am so not committed to having the "it" run my life or machinary or ego or unconsciousness or devil or whatever word you want to use. But you get what I am trying to say right...you know that feeling of just not being yourself? Like a heaviness affecting your mood, and you being happy and joyous and fully self expressed. It's that thing that it operating you instead at that point, which is what I am talking about. So I get that I have the power to change it in every moment because life is NOW and NOW and NOW and NOW. That's a lot of NOW'S to be able to change the way I am being. And yes I was trapped in a bingeing addiction for 5 years and that's a lot of NOW's to suffer in. Yuk. And I am so not committed to suffering any more!

(bang the little voice just came in in full force, my neighbour on the plane just got served her food, roast lamb with gravy and potatoes and brocoli and carrot "I should have had that, at least I could have just eaten the vegetables and then I wouldn't have broken the Earth Diet, damn I was so stupid, and it looks so good, I should have asked instead of having the stupid vegetarian meal, I really screwed up". And I feel sad while the voice is talking - then I remember - aha there is the voice and here I am, separate from it! And just by rememebering I break away from it and it loses power. AND by the way this is the same little voice saying I'm stupid for eating what I just ate and it's the one that made me eat it! hahaaaa crazy or what! That is insanity!)

I have noticed how this Earth Diet has completely transformed my body and health and energy and that little voice has lost some of it's power, but it's still there. And I really created the Earth Diet to get rid of the voice because I couldn't stand it any longer! The voice that created a binge addiction, he voice that made me feel like a fat blob for so long, and I thought by changing the outside, by changing the food I put in my mouth, it would change the inside, the voice, but it's still there. And it doesn't go away. And the good thing is we get to hang up on it whenever we don't want to listen to it. Why do we listen to it anyways when it is just so damn destrutive and negative. Why do we give something that negative any power and recognition?

And now I'm getting that everything does come from within, and that I can change the outside stuff, but if I haven't changed the inside then it will always remain the same. I will be thinking the same stuff doing differen things. But don't use that as an excuse and say "Oh well I won't do the Earth Diet until I change the inside stuff" because you won't change it! It took me to actually DO the Earth Diet first to get all of this. And now this is the next step in me actually transforming the inside.

Currently I know I have more thoughts of "I'm fat, I need to do ab crunches, I'm too bloated, I can't do it, I'm not good enough" than "I'm awesome and I'm sexy and I am whole perfect and complete, I love and accept my body fully". Which do you have more of? I can tell you that the majority of human beings think the first one. WE ARE ALL THE SAME. I used to think I was crazy special and was the only one thinking this stuff until I started opening up and sharing with other people who said "I think that too!". This is what I am out to create, on a global scale. To completely transform peoples thinking in this way, to transform and reduce eating disorders, self doubt, self bodily harm, and thoughts that diminish a human beings existence on this planet and experience of being alive! - because if it's not that, it's an uneccessary waste, a boring existence. When I watched that teenage boy die in India I wondered, did he ever experience love? and actualy experience feeling alive? and being fully self expressed? And did he do all the things he dreamnt of? And did he leave the impact he wanted on the planet? I wondered how many people would even know he died.

And to do all this, first I need to transform myself. Because if I can't even change my suffering disempowering conversations aroud myself and my body, how will I create the space for others to? How will I inspire and empower others to do so? I won't be able to. People will see me as fake and underneath will smell something fishy. And that's my promise and love for other people to transform their suffering around themselves and their body to love and nuture themselves. Which is what I am doing, for you guys, for all of humanity, especially for all young girls and boys who grow up in school frightened to really speak what's in their minds, and who develop eating disorders and suffer, for the young people who cut themselves because that' how they let out their emotions. Sheeshh the least I can do is be open and authentic and real. I AM NOT OK with the internal suffering going on in human beings all over the planet. Every 40 seconds someone in the world commits suicide. Because the voice in their head tells them to, and they do it. EVERY 40 SECONDS. Like one suicide NOW. And here I am being a jerk and whining about eating a piece of lasagne on the plane!

So here's my empowering context...I am committed to you and the other 6.9999999 billion people on the planet to being free and alive and healthy. And this means "getting off me" - and that's a relief by the way- because I become so self induldgent after I ate that lasagne with all the thoughts pilling in (yuk how boring!)and then I forget about the rest of the people, you, it's like no one else exists and I'm so caught up in my own little world it's disgusting! I am committing to and declaring to YOU, to the whole internet world to be free around food and what I eat and who I am, to stick to the Earth Diet and only eat foods naturally provided by this amazing amazing amazing earth for the rest of this challenge and always thinking "I am hott, sexy, beautiful and I am an abundance of health, and completely and fully accept and choose myself and my body and all that I do is in allign with this. I choose my body. I love me."

(ANOTHER SUICIDE JUST HAPPENED)

Loving my body means loving thoughts.

I take full responsibility for the eating disorders around the world. I took part in an eating disorder for 5 years eating crap food and then extreme healthy food, I actually actually kept it around the planet, keeping it in place. Screw that. I'm sorry guys for being such a self absorbed binge junkie jerk for sooo long! I am completely transforming that! I am committed to health on the planet. No longer around my space is the crap. When I fully embrace myself, accept and choose and love myself and be a full self expression, then I will give other people the space and freedom to do that also!!! I am transforming myself for you, this is more inspiring to me then just doing it for me.

So to recap I will always and only say this to myself and think this whenever something other than that comes into my space, I will knock anything negative right out because it doesn't serve me, it's not worth having!!! And if it really is as simple as choosing to get rid of it or keeping it around, heck I choose to kick it out and replace it with the new, "I am hott, sexy, beautiful and I am an abundance of health, and completely and fully accept and choose myself and my body and all that I do is in allign with this. I choose my body. I love me."

And I have to acknowledge you out there for getting this - and I want to ackowledge Rick Cowley, an extraordinary human being and friend of mine who requested I do this, not just for me, but for the millions of other girls out there, including his young daughter, to be a stand and be free and be able to talk freely and openly about it with other women around the world. And not just women, but men too. And I want to acknowledge Rick's daughter for being so great with whom Rick loves unconditionally to request such a thing from me. So Rick on behalf of people around the world...THANKYOU.

So now everytime you have a disempowering conversation with yourself in your head think of me in your head saying "You are whole, perfect, and complete!!! Just the way you are. Nothing is wrong right now...or now...or now. Life is NOW! This is it! You could literally die in a few hours?!!!" Hehe!

I'm so glad I ate that lasagne now! I fully choose it! Without it I wouldn't have gotten this breakthrough to be able to share with you guys. (Haha the voice just came in then "Oh F but I really ate the lasagne, I can already feel my face is puffy and stomach bloated and I'm all itchy" hehe and I quickly replaced it with "I am hott, sexy, beautiful and I am an abundance of health, and completely and fully accept and choose myself and my body and all that I do is in allign with this. I choose my body. I love me."

So wow there you go, my longest blog yet, I may have just made myself look like a complete fool, and it doesn' matter. Peace out.

Challenges: Giving up looking good to write all of this. It would have been easier not too.

Triumphs: Allowing myself to be so vulnerable is so freeing.

What I Ate Today:

Breakfast: Green grapes. 6 nectarines.

Lunch: A salad with green lettuce and baby spinach and avocado and lemon juice. A carrot, celery, ginger and spinach juice. Chocolate balls with macadamia nuts.

Dinnner: Lasagne on the plane.

Dessert: No dessert.

Snacks: A pear, a organic green apple with a leaf on it!


Exercise: A spin class (a very sweaty bike riding class at the gym)

253 days to go!!!

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