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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Day 49

at the Taj Mahal!

Thoughts: I wonder if he woke up this morning thinking "Today is my last day on earth, I will die today". I saw a dead person today. He looked around 16 years old. There was a crash on the road. I can still see it vividly in my head. A motorbike crash, 3 people lying on the road, 2 slightly moving, 1 completely gone, the beingness gone, just the body left, half the head missing, somewhere on the road. People driving by not affected (every 6 minutes an Indian dies from a crash on the roads). My friends told me just forget about it. Far out. Life really can just end in a second. Any day. Any hour. I live as if I am going to live forever, I forgot that I can die and will someday. One day it will be my last. This experience really got me present to being present. I read Echkart Tolle's the Power Of Now, and would practise being present, and not long before my little voice would come in (if you just thought what voice? That's the little voice!) the voice that speculates, judges, analyzes, tells you that you can or can't do something. And when reading it I learnt that I should be present moment and to moment to really endure and experience life as it's fullest. And I never knew how because the voice would come in and I would go on mental vaccations for minutes, hours, days, sometimes weeks and months! How often are us human beings Being present? How often are we in our own heads? I am really grasping the power of now, now, and am getting that living each moment is possible. I love being alive, and playing the game of being a human being on earth! I experienced feeling sick in the stomach this morning when I saw this, I looked right into his eyes, and my body felt weak, I felt tense and my body was hot. The other two laying there I think were still alive because they were moving a little. I hope so. I think about the impact of that boy leaving this physical universe, he's just gone now, his presence not missed by billions, and missed severly by family and friends I'm sure. Did he live his life full out? Did he leave with regets? Was he satisfied and fufilled? And did he ever experience peace and full self expression? And was he born into a world with a notion of "Not good enough, not enough, a someday I will be more satisfied when I get more money or health or that partner or win something or create something, I will be happier when I am happier" kind of world. Or was he born into a conscious world of peace, love and light with people being present and whole, perfect and complete, with nothing to fix or change? It makes my bingeing habits that I had for 5 years and only stopped 49 days ago seems so small and ridiculous and such a waste of life! So many years I wasted, I missed life and magical moments, and being connected to myself and the earth, because I was so consumed with that little voice in my head. I am so grateful I am out of my head now. I can really appreciate waking up each morning with a body, with fingers and toes and eyes to see and ears to listen.

And really what happened was : I saw a dead boy on the road, and I made it mean all of this stuff.

Challenges: A fear of death when I saw the dead boy, and the voice in my head saying "enjoy the moment, be present, you have to" which actually takes me out of being present!

Triumphs: Being alive and eating healthy foods! Thank you earth!

What I Ate Today:

Breakfast: Apple and orange and a black tea with ginger.

Lunch: Dahl (yellow lentils) with corriander and chilli and rice.

Dinner: Jeera rice with black dahl and vegetables.

Dessert: No dessert.

Snacks: peanuts and goji berries. Masala tea! Yum!

Cost: 170 rupee for lunch.

Exercise: Walking around the number 1 out of the 7th wonders of the world TAJ MAHAL! Beautiful!

307 day to go!!!

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