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Friday, June 4, 2010

Day 215

Thoughts: Die to the past every moment. You don't need it. For it no longer exists. The moment in which you read that sentence, it now no longer exists. Only if you hold onto it in your mind. Thinking has become a disease - one I am riddled with.

I am my own worst enemy. You are your own worst enemy.

Only you can say you can or cannot. If someone else says you can or cannot, it doesn't mean you can or cannot.

Where do you go in your mind? When you are alone what do you think about your self? What is your relationship with yourself? That's where you go when you die. Is it heaven or hell? Is it heaven or hell in your thoughts. If you close your eyes and listen to the voice in your head, your mind, consciousness or unconsciousness you will discover you. Perhaps you cannot really differentiate what is you talking and what is that little voice. If you just thought 'I don't have a little voice' that was the little voice. We all have one - every human being.

Whatever your thoughts are shows you exactly what you will still be thinking when you die in human form. This is because you never really die.

Wanting to die seems like it might be a part of being alive. –Nick Hornby, A Long Way Down

Death is not the end, not a tragedy.

There is in every one of us an unending see-saw between the will to live and the will to die. –Rebecca West, The Strange Necessity

I would never kill myself intentionally. I couldn’t do that to my family, my friends … But to have fate step in and give me a shove, that’s a different matter. Then I have the exit, without the guilt. I am ashamed of myself for thinking like this. But more than anything, I am frightened that it makes me feel so much better to think about it. Sometimes it eases the terror, the sense that I am condemned eternally to this hell. –Martha Manning, Undercurrents: A Life Beneath the Surface

Death is like walking through another door. It does seem crazy to fear death although I have feared it for the majority of my life, and still do - for I am still here, as a human on earth. I can hear death coming from outside my hotel room, the dark misty air conditioning, and I can hear it outside my hotel balcony from the screeching trucks, and the turns of wheels, way down in the valley below us.

There is no way to block it out - just a choice to accept or resist it.

We are capable of infinite light, and yet we live in the pagmire of death. We live in shit town, the trailer park of our mind. This life is just one part of our minds. We can use all parts - if we believe that. When we go to sleep we got to another part. We have been born into this world and taught at a universal level how not to use our mind fully, our self expression is suppressed.

To die, to sleep! To sleep, perchance to dream … –William Shakespeare, Hamlet

We live in boxes. Houses with boxes - mirrors and square paintings and photo frames, television boxes, a fridge box, microwave box, square cupboards, cereal boxes, look around your place and see how square everything is.

Pain or not, I would most likely walk around in a suicidal reverie the rest of my life, never actually doing anything about it. Was there a psychological term for that? Was there a disease that involved an intense desire to die, but no will to go through with it? Couldn’t talk and thoughts of suicide be considered a whole malady of their own, a special subcategory of depression in which the loss of a will to live has not quite been displaced by a determination to die? –Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

But we are all insane, anyway ... The suicides seem to be the only sane people. –Mark Twain, Notebook

I do see that there is an argument against suicide: the grief of the worshipers left behind, the awful famine in their hearts, these are too costly terms for the release. –Mark Twain, in a letter to WD Howells, July 13, 1889

I guess I realize that I don’t want to die. I don’t want to live either, but—there really isn’t anything in-between. Depression is about as close as you get to somewhere between dead and alive, and it’s the worst. But since the tendency toward inertia means that it’s easier for me to stay alive than die, I guess that’s how it’s going to be, so I guess I should try to be happy. –'Ditto'

And what I owned up to was this: I had wanted to kill myself, not because I hated living, but because I loved it. And the truth of the matter is, I think, that a lot of people who think about killing themselves feel the same way … They love life, but it’s all fucked up for them … -'Dito'

And so I leave this world, where the heart must either break or turn to lead. –Nicolas-Sebastien Chamfort’s suicide note

The future is just old age and illness and pain ... I must have peace. –James Whale’s suicide note

To my friends: My work is done. Why wait? –George Eastman’s suicide note

Be your own best friend. And choose to live, life will be easier I promise! Live fully or die fully.

Once a man decides to take his own life he enters a shut-off, impregnable but wholly convincing world where every detail fits and each incident reinforces his decision.

I think many people kill themselves simply to stop the debate about whether they will or they won’t.

It is silliness to live when to live is torment. –William Shakespeare, Othello

Are you alive or dead? Do you choose life or death?

Challenges: My challenge is being my own best friend - and loving my self unconditionally. I am my own worst enemy.

Triumphs: Reminding me to treat myself how I would treat someone that I love!

What I Ate Today:

*It was just a couple of days ago that I announced I would no longer use breakfast, lunch and dinner and instead use Meal 1, 2, 3 etc. Well last night I thought about when I eat, and it is more like a celebration, a festival, so from now on I will call eating times Food fest!

Food fest 1: The juice of a big plump juicy grapefruit and orange!

Food fest 2: Cherries mmm mmm mmm so rich and delicious :)

Food fest 3: More cherries!

Food fest 4: Raw brazil nuts, cherries and blackberries.

Food fest 5: A mango

Food fest 6: A avocado

Food fest 6:

Food fest 7: Avocado

Exercise: A 50 minute cardio workout in the gym :) 10 mins on my abs and a stretch and some breathing outside in the beautiful mountains :)

150 days to go!!!

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