Day 212

Thoughts: Happiness.

What is your relationship to happiness?

I promise to re invent my experience of being alive and living true to my fullest self expression. Am I fulfilling on this promise? I am stingy at letting go! If circumstances are good I am happy, if circumstances are not good I am not happy. I am the source of my experience. I am not here, I think I am. You are not here, you think you are. The totality of my experience is not available to me if I am not present.

My default experience is being judgmental, anxious, always having to do something, bored, unsatisfied, craving, overeating and wanting more, thinking into the future and wanting to be there, like a machine. Tired is a story. When I call my experience tired, I am disconnected to my experience.

People are crazy about happiness.

What I know about true happiness is ...it feels good, it comes in waves, I can create it whenever I want, I don’t choose it all the time, I am happy when I eat healthy food, I can’t be happy all the time, to embrace happiness, that we deserve happiness, happiness is something we have or get or create when we work hard, my mind decides my happiness or not by surrendering or resisting.

What I am certain about happiness is ...that most people are not happy, I am happy when I exercise, I am happy when I achieve something, I am unhappy more than I am happy. I am un-present more than I am present, that I am attached to 'happiness' and always seeking it, that I cannot reach a place of happiness, it is here and now, happiness is the opposite to darkness and anger.

What makes me happy is ...being happy makes me happy, hanging out with company I love, being present, being and feeling healthy, eating raw earth foods, hanging out in nature, surfing, doing things I like, doing things that are easy and that I am good at, doing things that are challenging and mastering them, integrity, when I am my word, when I am in a state of love, when I love and forgive myself, when I think nice thoughts about myself, nectarines, avocados, macadamia nuts and cherries.

My husband also makes me happy, and I know that having said that, if he can make me happy, he can also make me unhappy. See how I give power to other people to depict my happiness?

What I don’t have that would make me happy is ...a fitter healthier body, a truly happy and free mum, rich relationships, more money, complete control over my mind, discipline to always be present.

I won’t be happy until ...I stop my self-sabotaging and bingeing on food habits, get my health, fitness and weight under control and consistency, I am doing what I love, I can unconditionally love myself, make a kick ass movie and prove to myself that I can do it, think, believe and live in abundance, I can surf regularly and spend time with nature, the earth is clean and people are happy and loving.

What I know about dealing with other peoples happiness ...if they are happy I want to be happy with them, if they are not happy I don’t want to be happy because I think they will get annoyed with my happiness, that I say things I think people want to hear to make them happy, that I like everyone to be happy with me, that if someone else annoys me I can’t be happy, that people who are not happy have forgotten themselves.

What I have learned from others and books on happiness ...is that happiness comes with peace and presence and it is not a destination to be reached, it’s a journey and you will never arrive so I should be happy on the journey. Happiness is everyone's true nature. Happiness is the opposite to anger.

What I regret about happiness is ...that I was happier years ago, that I will never be as happy as I was before, that I will never be truly happy if I keep punishing myself with making myself ill, resenting myself that I am not happy all the time, thinking that I should be happy, when I am happy thinking that it will not last and the dark cycle is coming.

I am aware that all I know and believe about happiness, and all that I have written above is false, it is my own interpretation. There is no truth to it.

What I continue to believe about happiness, even though I have evidence in my life that what I believe about happiness isn’t true is ...that circumstances make me happy, and that I am happy when I achieve everything I have set out to achieve, that when I am working to the destination point I am in default mode, and once I have made it I am happy. That eating good food, organic, no sugar, detoxing, doing yoga will make me truly happy. I am happy when my body is clean. That I create my own happiness, no one else can affect it. That I am fully responsible for my happiness. That when I am active, aware, present, alive, fully self expressed and being my word – I am happy.

What else there is for me to say about happiness is ...I enjoy the periods in which I am being happy. I like it. Things flow, life is easy, graceful, conversations are smooth and joyful, I experience peace. I don’t choose to be happy all the time as I don’t deserve it, I hit the opposite of happiness to remind myself of a transformation in my self or my thinking pattern that is needed. I know we all deserve to be happy as that should be our experience of life. Life is an illusion, so we may as well just go about and be happy. I am more often in default mode than I am happy. That I am not as happy as I used to be. That I will never be happy if I punish myself.

Take on this exercise if you choose to do so :) You may discover some new things about yourself and your relationship to happiness!

I am becoming present of my experience and how often I am not present, and not present and not aware that I am not present.

The answer is YOU.

It takes discipline to be happy! - Michael Beckwith says. So, it is not something that is supposed to come easy. It is something we work for, something we earn! "I can do that! I am not afraid of hard work!" says Jinjee the creator of the 21 day cleanse I am on - day 15 today!

"Work hard at being happy today! Don't allow a negative thought. Use self-discipline! - the kind we wish our kids had about picking up after themselves… Clean up your negative thoughts and put them in the trash! … :)"

Some snap shots from past moments that remind me what happiness is:

Family...

Dancing in the wind...

A happy and proud boy after I gave him 20 cents for 2 bags of popcorn...

Playing with my husband...

Visiting children at a school in India...


Laughing...

The Australian outback...

Peace...

Challenges: Our mind stops us from achieving, and then whinges when we don’t achieve it.

Triumphs: The creator of the 21 Day Cleanse Jinjee and her thoughts on our Journey So Far… It is not about perfection. It is about a journey of self-discovery. In fact, perfectionism hangs us up. We are all very far from perfect. And then to want to swing all the way over to "perfect" is unrealistic. We have to take baby steps, and give ourselves credit for those. Two steps forward, one step back. Focus on the new ground gained. Some days or weeks or months or years we might take 7-league-boot steps forward, but then other times we are going back as fast as we went forward. No, it isn't about perfection, but it can be about finding what really works for us, for our bodies. And it can be about discipline sometimes, about intuition sometimes, and sometimes at its best it can be about the joy of being on this path! - www.thegardendiet.com

What I Ate Today:

Meal 1: a green juice celery, cucumber, kale, lettuce, a red apple and half a lemon, cherries and a nectarine

Meal 2h: 3 nectarines

Meal 3: raw cashews

Meal 4: raw soup with avocado. Soup ingredients tomato, (coriander) cilantro, salt.

Exercise: A workout at the gym for one hour, weights for legs, did some pull ups (getting there!~hehe), ab work and stair master. I am working on building my inner core strength. Working a 12 hour day on the set of "Squidman"!

153 days to go!!!